So I just wrote a super long post that got deleted, because apparently the internet here doesn’t like me. I’m just going to write a new one with some aspects included, because I believe it’s theraputic for me anyways.
I’ve been very guilt ridden today. Thinking about my old roommates, the boy I used to babysit, the friends and ‘enemies’ I left behind in Nashua.
I want to accept responsibility for the things I’ve done wrong in those situations. Sometimes I can. But in other cases, it’s harder. I can’t regret bringing the bunnies or Monty into our lives. I just can’t. They’re my family. They teach us and we teach them. About nature, love, living simply, and commitment. And, while I can have guilt, have sorrow, and certainly have a complicated past, I can’t live with regrets. Part of that is because it’s unhealthy, but it’s also partly because I trust what God says. Forgive them for they know not what they do. This applies to me and everyone else involved. Sometimes I was ignorant, and sometimes my values just didn’t match up with other people’s. I can’t place material things above my family; whether that be the animals or my future children.
I talked to my mom today. She’s upset that I’m not working right now. Partly for reasons that aren’t as reasonable (it’s not “normal” - but nothing about our lives is normal right now!), and partly for reasons more founded (she’s paid to help me in a pinch, but Alan’s parents haven’t done the same). I felt like a failure, and I wanted to die. It’s seems trivial doesn’t it? I bet most of you can have a conversation with your parents about their expectations without feeling suicidal. But I’m still working on my emotional issues and the interpersonal conflicts that come along with those. As my grandma says, I don’t need their approval. I only need their love.
I’m going to pray today, go to therapy, and clean house (literally and metaphorically). Hopefully a combination of those things will restore me to sanity.
To anyone reading this, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sure I have. God bless you. <3